Monday, June 14, 2010

Living in Balance ~ With Cancer

Reprising an image from an earlier post, I was inspired by this image of balance to question how my life stacks up. Am I truly living in balance. My mind-body seems in sync, but when I look at the components of a balanced life, I think I just might fail. Echoes of my father's words remind me that I need to balance work and play. Play more, work less. My father, mentor, sage, and beloved parent (most of the time, and certainly in memory) always had to remind me, order me to slow down. Don't do so much, he would iterate.

Years later, I still fall victim to overdoing it, it being almost any endeavor. Being told my my NHL specialist, Sunita Nasta, MD, at Perelman Center for Advanced Medicine that I should exercise was good advice. I took it to the next level, and in classic me style, overdid it. Overdid Memorial Day weekend, overdid this weekend, and am now exhausted.

I am having trouble living in balance with cancer. Wish I had a simple answer, a way to know just how much is enough, where the balance lies between too much and too little is. Two weeks ago, I thought I was in balance working on the farm. Couldn't have been more wrong. Then, this past weekend, I didn't work as hard. Wrong again. Guess I am going to have to work in small increments, perhaps 2 hours then rest. Get in touch with my body, and listen to it.

This is the hardest task of all: listening to my body, unlearning to relearn. I fail at this often, because of intentional or misguided reads. I want to be strong, and I want to work. I HATE being dependent on anyone. But I may need to learn to relinquish some of what I like to do for what I can do, without illness. Slowly, my life is coming into balance, and some day soon, I promise my father in our conversations across worlds, I will learn.

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