The New New

Surviving three days of 100 degrees of heat with the llamas was a challenge; after days of hosing the girls, we installed 3 AC units and now it's all good. Life has returned to normal, but I am left with a reinvented sense of summer ~ a new new. Part of this deconstruction comes from a sense of feeling overwhelmed and just a bit exhausted. The heat is punishing.

But deja vu-esque, the new new returned in a very positive way. It happened as I sat in the Perelman Center for Advanced Medicine, listening to Sunita Nasta, MD, my NHL specialist. Dr. Nasta asked me if I would be willing to participate in an MRI study. Penn Medicine is engaged in a several-year study of lymphoma patients who have not yet undergone invasive treatment for their disease. Although the program would have no direct benefit to me, as it was explained, I agreed to participate. It is really about helping others, and here's where deja vu re-entered. I was told my lymph nodes had not grown sufficiently to be a participant in the study. My news about my blood values and tests was excellent. Not that's what I call a new new. Interesting how our lives as they move forward help us redefine and redirect what normal truly is.

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Beating Back Cancer at Perelman Center for Advanced Medicine

Mickey and I are in the large reception room in West Pavilion, Level 2, waiting for my appointment with Sunita Nasta, a specialist in Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, Hematology, and Oncology. Three months ago, almost to the day, I ventured to the Perelman Center for Advanced Medicine and it was the best decision of my life, reinforced several times. Since I chose Penn Medicine, I have met several doctors and surgeons who validated my choice. Nice to have my research confirmed as a fine choice. But I knew that as soon as I was treated by Dr. Nasta.

Driving to the PCAM in Philadelphia, we allowed 2.5 hours to drive, and still arrived late. Turnpike construction, likely stimulus package funding, made lane merging a nightmare and the pace crippling. Then, another 15 minutes trying to find a parking space. How does anyone live in cities. Despite anxiety about being seen as a late arrival, the ambiance of the Perelman Center always calms. Perhaps that was part of the design capture, but this spacious center, dotted with upcycled art, feels reassuring. That's good because I am nervous just a bit because I think my lymph nodes are on the march, reminding me it is so much easier to be optimistic when things are going well.

Which leads me to a dear friend's story of a family friend in the OBX who succeeded in surviving cancer, only to have it return with a vengeance years later. This time her clock is ticking, and her otherwise open and optimistic approach has changed. All of which is a timely reminder to me. As this appointment approached, I noticed a mood shift. Not much gets me down, but the countdown to this visit came after a week's anxiety with weather and the llamas, followed by a postponed surgery.

Again, what grounded me was my girls. After the heat wave we survived, I looked at life on the farm as the new new. Now it's time to rethink the new new as I move forward, beating back cancer. Knowing that something in my life will keep me laughing, as my llamas do, or at least smiling through the difficult down times gives me courage and faith to move forward. See what I mean as you meet Maria, my talking llama.

A Talking Llama from RJ Stangherlin on Vimeo.

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Living in Balance ~ With Cancer

Reprising an image from an earlier post, I was inspired by this image of balance to question how my life stacks up. Am I truly living in balance. My mind-body seems in sync, but when I look at the components of a balanced life, I think I just might fail. Echoes of my father's words remind me that I need to balance work and play. Play more, work less. My father, mentor, sage, and beloved parent (most of the time, and certainly in memory) always had to remind me, order me to slow down. Don't do so much, he would iterate.

Years later, I still fall victim to overdoing it, it being almost any endeavor. Being told my my NHL specialist, Sunita Nasta, MD, at Perelman Center for Advanced Medicine that I should exercise was good advice. I took it to the next level, and in classic me style, overdid it. Overdid Memorial Day weekend, overdid this weekend, and am now exhausted.

I am having trouble living in balance with cancer. Wish I had a simple answer, a way to know just how much is enough, where the balance lies between too much and too little is. Two weeks ago, I thought I was in balance working on the farm. Couldn't have been more wrong. Then, this past weekend, I didn't work as hard. Wrong again. Guess I am going to have to work in small increments, perhaps 2 hours then rest. Get in touch with my body, and listen to it.

This is the hardest task of all: listening to my body, unlearning to relearn. I fail at this often, because of intentional or misguided reads. I want to be strong, and I want to work. I HATE being dependent on anyone. But I may need to learn to relinquish some of what I like to do for what I can do, without illness. Slowly, my life is coming into balance, and some day soon, I promise my father in our conversations across worlds, I will learn.

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